"No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God lives in us, and his love is perfected in us. God abides in those who confess that Jesus is the Son of God, and they abide in God." 1 John 4:12,15
The past couple of weeks a particular subject has come up numerous times. First, it was brought up in my regular Al-Anon meeting. The topic was a hit, so much so that we had to continue that same topic for the next two al-anon meetings. Coincidently, I was also reading a book about this subject at the same time. Then, as Mark and I were reading our nightly devotion, that same subject was the focus. As I logged on to social media these past weeks, quote after quote came up about this subject. I saw several posts on this topic. I would normally have chalked it up to me searching the concept on search engines as these flow over to social media; but, I hadn't searched anything on the matter. So, what is this subject that I am referring to, you may ask? I am referring to intimacy.
Intimacy is defined as "a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group" (Web). Well, I must admit, my definition of intimacy has been distorted for so many years. I have struggled with intimacy for a long time. Some reading this may disagree, but it holds true. Mark's alcoholism distorted my view of intimacy. I was too busy covering for him and trying to portray our amazing life on the outside only to find myself slowly dying on the inside. By the time Mark went to rehab, I no longer knew who I was, let alone what intimacy truly meant. I told no one exactly how I felt; not good friends, not my family, and not even Mark. This left me feeling alone and empty. I could be surrounded by a lot of people, fake a smile, and still feel alone.
I now know this was because of living with an alcoholic. I remember after Mark came home from rehab, I told him time after time that I didn't know who I was anymore. He would tell me that I was in there, but I needed the courage to come to the surface and shine. Mark had found himself again because he received support in inpatient rehab and in extensive outpatient rehab. He received this in the form of daily group and individual therapy. I remember listening to him talk and watching all his positive changes. He was so serene, and I desperately wanted what he had found. Mark shared with me what he had learned. I also was learning things in Al-Anon and by reading books. However, I wasn't necessarily applying these things to myself and therefore I continued to struggle deeply. No amount of book reading, or Al-Anon meetings really helped. Finally, I realized that I needed to fully work and apply what I was learning. This meant putting myself before others. To do this, I had to get intimate with myself so that I could find myself.
This was a hard concept for me to grasp on so many levels. First, as I have said before, taking care of myself first was something I hadn't done in well over 20 years. I had allowed my wife, nurse, and mother roles to consume me for so long. I felt selfish for thinking of myself. Even after I was told that if I didn't start caring for myself, I would likely die from my heart giving out, I still struggled to grasp the notion. How could I become intimate with myself? What did that even mean? Second, I did not know where to begin. The life I knew, or thought I knew was false-hearted. It was if I had lived under false pretenses. Finally, I wondered if I would like my true self or if others would like me. Again, something that I have had to face head on as I have grasped a whole different attitude on life, which by the way, I love!
Honestly, my idea of intimacy had become so distorted that I didn't know what it was. When I started to apply what I had learned, I was asked to give my definition of intimacy. I told her I believed intimacy was holding hands, cuddling, saying "I love you", and having sexual intercourse. She told me, "Chelee, intimacy is so much more." After some book reading, listening to others, and talking with Mark, I found my meaning of intimacy. Here is what I discovered. Intimacy is not only about sex. It is about truth. It is about revealing your inner self to someone fully. It is about trust: you trust them so much that you can tell them your deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings. You are willing to fully bare your heart and soul because you feel safe with them. Once I found my meaning of intimacy, I was able to discover myself. I was able to trust myself and therefore I was able to fully open up to God and to Mark.
So, I want to remind each and every one of you that self-care and knowing yourself is very important. Don't take yourself for granted. You are important and you matter. If you don't care for yourself first, you cannot truly care for others. If you don't know and trust yourself, then others will not truly know you. You are beautiful and you deserve to be known, every ounce of you. "You've got to be a caterpillar before you can be a beautiful butterfly." Spread your wings and fly. The world wants to know you. I want to know you.
"For the law made nothing perfect; there is, on the other hand, the introduction of a better hope, through which we approach God." Hebrews 7:19
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